so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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