she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
