okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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