dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
