she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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