Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Couch. On fire.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
