I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
