highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
