As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
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ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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