My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
