Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
