Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
