he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
