I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
