Will you blow on my dice?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
