I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
