i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We left an ass print on the piano.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
