I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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