She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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