I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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