the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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