peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
