life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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