Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
