I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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