i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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