The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
