i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
