I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
