my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad