that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
