I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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