so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
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if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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