it wasn't lemon gatorade
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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