so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
