just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
