I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
