Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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