just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
