I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
