you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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