She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
