I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
