so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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