Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
