fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
