she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
