...so i touched it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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