your parents love me but you hate me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
