I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
