he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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