batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
