can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
