I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
