my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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