Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
