and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
